‘Cha Cha the True Dog’ and ‘Survive, Any Way You Can’: Yousei Sama on Falling Out Podcast (Parts 1 & 2)

In part one of this interview Yousei describes his turbulent early years in the church – moving home eleven times in eleven years and dealing with a string of challenges along the way.

Summary of contents:

1. Qanon connections. 3. Intro Yousei. 5. Origin of Yousei’s name. Early years. 14. New York and moving house a lot. 16. Pledge treats. 22.Jacob House. 24. Jeung jin’s dog – ‘true dog’. 27. Exploring bodies at 5 years old results in fight with dads. Heavy shame. And move house again. 35. Mother passed away. Church burial grounds. 40. Spiritual health care. 44. Death of mother co-opted for providential reasons. 49. Comfort blessing. 52. Being a humble servant and bowing to his dad. 54. Parting hair on the right(?!). 62. Father reblessing – origin of comfort blessing. 64. National messiah. 66. Moved again to Hondorus. Repeat 4th grade. 68. Ill prepared for school and real world. 86. Father abuses step mother. Using divine principle to justify it. Parents split up. 97. Il shim workshops and purity culture. 101. Purity ring. 102. Discovering he is queer. 103. Break for the next episode. 

In part two, Yousei describes the difficulty of being gay in the church, the attempts to ‘heal’ him and eventually outcast him, and his turbulent journey away from his parents and the church.

Summary:

1. Moon quote on homosexuality being worse than dogs. 4. Intro to suicide. 6. Discovering he is queer. 8. Move three more times. In the Bay Area. 11. Principle Academy. 12. Moon lumped homosexuality into the category of free sex and dirt. Equated to shit. 17. Start to have crushes on boys and talk about imaginary boyfriend on xanga. 20. Found queer friends at school. 22. Confession at One Heart workshop that I was attracted to boys. 23. Church pastor told me I had to change. Told me to read ‘coming out straight’ by Richard Cohen. 26. My dad had done some work with him – May have been queer. 29. Elgen’s dad’s explanation of why being gay is wrong. And introduction to Richard Cohen. ‘He used to be gay, but now he’s not.’ 31. Richard Cohen is, like our parents, a casualty of having to fight who he is. He’s hiding and repressing who he is. Like church members who launch into a prepared response that shuts down any doubts. Used to be angry but now just heartbroken. 34. Necessary to be angry. 36. The book says that same sex attraction is from not receiving enough love from the same sex parent. Or something traumatic happened. And I believed it because I had traumatic sexual experience as a kid. 38. Step-mother read my journal and believed it was real. They were distraught with tears. Brought me to the pastor who asked if I was fallen and what I had done. So I had to do conditions and fasting. 44. Tricky to determine definition of falling, since the fall is with a woman. I got off light. I know people who have gone through conversion therapy. Self loathing and suicidal thoughts. 48. They took me to a non church therapist. Step mother blamed herself for not doing enough Hoon Dok Hae etc. Hating myself. 50. Praying where are you god, I’m in so much pain. I realised I was done. I was 16/17. 53. Decided to do homeschool. Got a job. 56. Got a boyfriend. 58. Before, Hurst House, for wayward teens, I wanted to go, it was a boarding school. But they didn’t want me as they didn’t know where to put me. 62. So seeing boyfriend secretly. Parents find out and angry. Ultimate fight. Not allowed back in the house if I stay. Step mother tried to stop me. ‘you want to die of AIDS?’ so I left and his parents took me in. 67. Parents just wanted me to come home. I did, then they said I couldn’t see him, so I left for good. 68. Kicked out of the church band. At that point, completely done with the church. 70. My parents tried but they were in a fucked up situation. 72. Friend helped me discover the world, movies, music. Importance of music – Savage Garden, Matrix soundtrack. 83. Support from boyfriend’s family to survive in real world. 87. Advice to younger self – stop lying. And hold on, if you feel suicidal there are plenty of people there for you. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. There are resources and support. 95. Cha Cha stayed with us and lived to 18. You decide. You define your life. Open Counselling – suicide prevention hotlines. 

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