God’s Promise Part 2
‘How do survivors of extreme religion and purity culture even start to date? Well, its a long journey, and one episode can’t even begin to cover it all, but we can start. This episode is part 1 of a 2 part conversation, we dive right into dating post UC. Join in as HK Ishida, Cathlene Bell and myself talk on dating post UC, including how we recognized co-dependency, how to nourish self love, self awareness, social skill building and the consent mentality.’
2. WAIT team – abstinence education through dance. Still appreciate, the dancing. 3. Don’t have to throw out everything from the buffet. 6. Normalized codependent relationships. Dating is complex. Realizing I’m codependent. 8. Church did not encourage personal development or investing in personal appearance because you were going to get married anyway. Getting all value from other people to feel any sense of worthiness. Living for the sake of others means you don’t have any self worth. 13. Being a blank slate to be whoever your partner wants you to be. 16. Our marriages were for world peace, not ourselves. No room for selfishness or preferences. So in dating we learn to think what do I want. 22. Inner peace is more important than world peace in a relationship. 25. Cult tactics to use the responsibility of World peace to control you. 29. Some matchings have worked, not because of the match, but because of what they brought to the relationship. 32. Green flags in a relationship. 34. Take time to work out who you are before dating. Fall in love with yourself first. 37. Not just cults talk about soul mates and the one. 38.How I treat myself is the standard to which other people will treat me. 38. Children treat women how they have seen their mother treated. 42. Relationship skill building and understanding consent. 44. Consent not taught in the cult. Man makes the decisions. Your wife’s body is yours. Marriage is arranged and sex happens in the marriage so there’s no discussion about consent. Not allowed to masturbate and wife’s responsibility is to meet her husbands sexual needs so consent is not part of the conversation. 50. Guilt tripping wife into having sex. Arranged marriage as sexual abuse. 53. Now, how to avoid making anyone feel like that again. Consent is the antithesis of what a cult is. Now it’s OK if someone doesn’t like me. And so much better when a person does want to be with me. 55. Enmeshment. We’re not supposed to become one. 56. Apologizing for things that happened in a relationship. We never got taught that. 57. Cathlene’s song about being OK to be wrong. 1.00 we think the men had the power but they couldn’t make choices either. The only power was held by the cult.
God’s Promise Part 2
‘Join in as Cathlene Bell, HK Ishida, Ryka Christopher and myself talk on dating post UC. We speak on how we are recovering from being raised in a high control group that stifles autonomy, gender roles in the UC, what sex means to us, and so much more.’
1. Dive deeper into what sex and consent means to you. 2. Taking back the power after church has assigned roles of male and female. No autonomy in the church. 7. Liberating to let go of masculine stereotypes around sex. 10. Women using sex as an act of service. 12. Develop healthy ways to have sex. 14. The rhetoric around ‘Absolute Sex’ put too much pressure on sex as the solution to world problems. 16. Sex and connection is a human need. 18. Consent. Asking if you want to have sex. Sex education in the Netherlands. 20. So sexy to be asked, ‘can I kiss you?’, you don’t have to read her mind. Women have been conditioned to let the man decide when a move is made. 24. BDSM with pre-agreement, safe words and aftercare. Role playing safely. 26. Moon’s idealized abuse of Hak Ja Han during the ‘seven year course.’ 28. Sex is a need, can be used as connection and stress relief. Not a way to create world peace. 30. Sex as an expression of care and connection, with partner and with myself. Sex is another art form. Not the sole means by which anything is expressed. 34. Sex with yourself is learning about yourself and maybe you’re the only one who can give you that pleasure. 35. What is the appropriate amount of self worth to attach to someone wanting to have sex with you. 39. It’s adult play. It’s fun. 40. Pelvis muscles need stretching or stress gets held in one spot. Masturbation releases that. 45. Sex means something different to everyone. Sexual wellbeing is connected to general wellbeing. 47. Sexual play is a low stakes adult game which has boundaries. But in the church sex was so insanely high we couldn’t explore anything. 46. Sex is an easy way to control people. 51. Cathlene Bell’s podcast ‘create imperfect anyway’ . 52. HK Ishida can be found on Instagram. 54. Enryka Christopher. People who leave the church and go into mental health and psychology work. Coercive control is everywhere.